Reaching Into Darkness....and Bringing Light...

Yesterday, a beautiful, intelligent, humble, wonderful woman believed that it was necessary to take a shotgun and end her own life.  She was a friend to me, a friend to my family, and the last thing I remember her saying to me when she visited last summer was "You have such a beautiful family."  She kept saying it, over and over, as if I was not really hearing what she was saying.  I kept saying, "Thank you," but I remember seeing something in her eyes....maybe a longing for what she didn't have.  She was successful and brilliant, and had one serious relationship in her life, but never married and never had children.  She always seemed full of life and content with the way life had worked out for her.  I remember thinking the last time we sat around the table together...I wonder if she knows Jesus.  We had never talked about it directly, and I remember feeling afraid to tell her my testimony because the subject never really came up.  I remember thinking that some day, I might sit with her and tell her how Jesus had changed my life, and what great joy and hope (and even my beautiful family) had come from him saving me from depression and hopelessness.  She knew me when I was still troubled, and I believe that day as she left our house, she was trying to tell me she noticed the great change in my life....but we never really had that conversation about Jesus.  I guess I always thought we would have more time, another chance....later.

Last night, as I lay in bed and remembered her wonderful smile and fascinating conversations, I thought of how a brilliant, successful woman with an awesome career....could be so miserable that she wanted to shoot herself with a shotgun.  The brutality of the suicide yesterday is what affected me most.  Did she just want to make sure that the job was done right?  She was successful at everything else, after all...or did she want to punish herself in some way?  I learned from my mother that they had been having conversations about the rough times she was having after losing her mother and sister, and that she had been in counseling recently. 

Then, my heart began to delve much deeper in introspection of my faith and my calling and my purpose....God called me out of the depths of deep depression, even being suicidal, He healed deep wounds that no medication or counselor ever could.  I had been in group therapy, individual therapy, and on medication for years for depression.  When I was saved by Jesus Christ, I never had to take another pill, and I never saw another counselor besides the great Counselor of the Holy Spirit.  I feel a need today to speak life into dark situations and to tell others that there is a hope in Jesus that they could never imagine until they accept Him as Savior and Lord.  I had been drinking since I was 13 years old, and in that day, God took away my desire for all alcohol.  I had been drinking to numb the constant pain, discouragement and hopelessness (plus guilt, anxiety and fear about the future) that I constantly lived with each and every day.  I had tried everything at that point to make my own life better, and found that nothing I ever did brought relief...which propelled me further into hopelessness.  I know that feelings that my friend was facing yesterday....a deep abyss that you feel you can never climb out of.  But just like her, I could always laugh in others' company and be "normal."  But at home, I would think about the reasons why I should NOT end my life, and for several years, there was only one reason....my daughter Mariah.  I lived for her, and her presence in my life probably kept me for awhile from committing suicide like my friend.  I thank God every day that when it seemed my whole life had crumbled, my marriage was totally failing, I was still drinking, and I was the worst mom I could imagine (in my own mind)....that God reached out me and I took His hand by accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior...and He lifted me up from that pit.  I remember waking up the next day after I had prayed for God to save me, and believed in my heart that Jesus would save me....I felt a peace in my heart I had never experienced in the 24 years of life before that.  I felt warmth running through my veins (an actual feeling at the time)....and I immediately began to realize that all my sins in life had been washed away.  I had a true second chance....it was not a strategy to hide the pain, or cover up the hurt with medication....it was true FREEDOM from the pain. 

So last night, I was laying there thinking about what God had done for me, and worshipping Him for the awesome deliverance He gave me....and I began to think...how many times have I not shared this love of Christ with others who desperately need the same rescue as me?  How many times have I sat at a table with a close friend, a loved one, or even run into a stranger who needed to know that God loved them so much that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for them on the cross.  They needed to know that God was for them and not against them....they needed to know that there was HOPE, LOVE, and that FAITH could move any mountain that stood before them.  I am a living, walking, breathing testimony of what Jesus can do in a person's life....and the HOPE that only He can give to someone who desperately needs a  new life, a way out of present circumstances, and they need Him to lift the burdens of discouragement, hopelessness, pain and suffering from their lives.  I began to think about the times that I have been through something difficult AFTER accepting Jesus Christ, and how God has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding, and guarded my heart from that sinking depression....He not only brought me out of the pit, but He keeps me from going back in.  So, as I sit here and know that I will never see this beautiful friend again....that she chose in her hopelessness to take her own life, that it is I that needs to change my game plan in life.  I need to begin to pray that God would give me an incredible boldness, that I would fearlessly speak the gospel of hope through Jesus Christ to each and every person He puts in front of me.  I will no longer allow fear to keep me from giving them the HOPE that they so desperately seek, and need for survival.  I have let the ways of the world, and my fear of man keep this message bottled up inside of me (even if some disagree, you ain't seen nothing yet)....I have not spoken it out like God has given me the power to do so, and there are so many hurting, suffering people in this world that need God's salvation through Jesus, but they also need more than anything - His power to walk out the rest of this life in peace and joy, without the burdens of their sins or past hurts...their own failures and discouragements....they need God's Presence to keep living.  Otherwise, one day, they will take matters into their own hands and take their own pain away....but the real pain for those of us who know God and lose someone to the hand of Satan is that we know that they will be in eternal pain.  They will eternally suffer away from the Presence of the only One who can give them everlasting love, peace, joy and hope.  It is Satan's trickery to make someone believe that committing suicide will end pain, when really, the true pain that lasts for an eternity has just begun.   This is one that I hope deep in my heart somehow had accepted Christ as her Savior, but I also know that her death is like the seed that goes into the ground and dies, so that the plant that rises up can bear much fruit.  I am going to take her death as a catalyst to speak the gospel fearlessly....and not let Satan have one more of my friends or family without putting up a good fight in both speech and the prayers of a warrior. 

I know God can heal, restore, and save someone from this because He healed me, restored me, and SAVED me.  This is my testimony, and I pray that all my friends and family will take the time to read it.

God bless each and every one of you with a hope that never dies....

Sarah

Fear or Faith?

Recently, the Lord has really been showing me through His Word how many different ways FEAR affects our lives, and the crippling effects it has on our FAITH. After an amazing night of prayer in 2007, I remember a good friend of mine, and a woman of God that I respected...telling me that I had been delivered from FEAR. All my life I had struggled with fears and anxieties (fear's cousin) about different things, what would happen to me, how I would live, what turn my life would take next...I was afraid of other things too, such as people attacking me, invaders of our home...I was afraid to walk to my car at night, I was afraid to go to sleep for most of my life. I was crippled by fear of things, fear of people, and fear of what could happen to me.

I remember that night, after having an amazing night of prayer and being baptized in the Holy Spirit, I felt free from fear for the first time in my life. I walked outside the little chapel where we prayed, and I said to my friend, "I am not afraid." You see, fear had become such a part of my daily living that I did not know or expect anything else. I just lived with it. It was a bondage to me and caused me considerable stress (and sleepless nights)...but there was so much to it that I still didn't understand. You see, I received the spirit of fear because (FIRST) I was not in a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ, I did not have peace with him. (SECOND) I was afraid of death and dying, so anything that threatened my life or health terrified me. (THIRD) I tried to control everything in life for FEAR that it would not work out right, and I would be left alone and suffering. And...I might end up dying because I couldn't provide the needed things for myself or my family. But the way FEAR has been revealed me to most recently is that it has controlled my life since I was a child in the FEAR of man. This means that I live in such a way as to gain man's approval. Now, many of you would disagree with me on that statement, as I have often rebelled in life and seemed to care very little about other's thoughts or opinions, but the truth is that I have lived with such a fear of man that it controls and grips every part of my life. It is fear of man that is driving many of my decisions, not the fear of God.

Through recent Bible study with my beloved husband, Jeff, God has revealed this stronghold on my life and is showing me the freedom that lies on the other side...when I fear God above man and give Him the exclusive rights to make decisions in my life, no matter what those around me think I should be doing. It is the freedom that I have always desired, yet never knew how to have. I know the scripture that says we are not given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love, and of a sound mind. Well, the sound mind, the power, the love - they all come from trusting Jesus alone as my Source and my Provider. I have been gripped in this fear of man for so long that I didn't even know it was the source of so many of my anxieties in life. I wanted to please and gain favor from those around me, and I wanted them to show their approval of me.

Today, I declare I am FREE from this fear of rejection, need for approval, and fear of man's opinions. God is the on the throne of my life, and He is the ruler of me. He is my Lord, meaning my Master in all things. As I have been studying how Paul was led by the Spirit to go on missionary trips in the book of Acts, and I meditate upon how the Spirit spoke to and led Paul, I begin to see similarities between Paul and myself. He loved his fellow men, the Jews, but they often rejected the message of salvation through Jesus Christ, and I am sure he felt pain over their rejection. But instead of allowing it to control him and lead his decisions, he leaned on the Lord to make those decisions for him. He went places because the Lord told him to. He left places because the Lord said his time was over. He followed the Lord in preaching the gospel to the Jews and then the Gentiles (not his people by birth). I am sure there were those who would have loved for him to do what THEY wanted him to do, but he had such a committment to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, that he did not allow their desires to overcome his fear of God. He allowed God to be on the throne of his life, and I am going to do the same.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (NKJV):

"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."

Philippians 3:12-16 (NKJV):

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. Nevertheless, to that degree that we have already attained, let us walk by that same rule, let us be of the same mind."

God bless you all!

Sarah

A Breaking Point...

I have thought many times in the past few months about writing a blog post....I can't even list the number of reasons I came up with NOT to write...perhaps, in the past season there was such uplifting stories of God's goodness, greatness, and miraculous intervention in our life to share, and this season has been one of deep trials, heartaches, and refinement that seemed unbearable at times. But...God says He will never give us a burden that we cannot bear, which in our case, must mean we can bear a lot. However, when I start to throw a pity party for me and my family, I have to stop and reflect on all the ways God is still good even during times of hardship. When the money is running out, there is no place to call home, the bills keep stacking up, and enough just never seems to be enough....there is always the peace and joy of God that I receive through the Holy Spirit. He is always there to love me, comfort me, and guide me...even during the hardest moments of life. The Light of Jesus shines through the vast darkness in our lives, and He proves once again that He has made us overcomers, more than conquerers through His blood and His mighty Spirit. He really is the GREAT I AM! You may ask, what is He? Why do we continue to trust Him although everything seems to be headed downhill in our lives, and we are in the midst of chaos, lack, and suffering? Because if I take His name, I can put anything I want with it, and He becomes that to me...

I AM....your peace.
I AM....your joy.
I AM....your provider.
I AM....your teacher.
I AM....the source of forgiveness for all your sins through the blood of Jesus.
I AM....that still small voice in your heart that tells you "just trust ME."
I AM....your encourager.
I AM....your companion.
I AM....the one who loves your very soul.
I AM....your creator.
I AM....the beginning and the last word on everything.
I AM....the one who is Sovereign in all your circumstances.
I AM....anything and everything you need me to be!!!

I have been through many different emotions and thought processes, even struggled deeply with my own sinfulness during this season of my life. I have realized that my heart is calloused, I am unforgiving, ungrateful, selfish, critical, demanding, hypocritical and definitely NOT perfect!!! However, I can trust that I am being transformed day by day, and that Christ is renewing my mind, so that I don't have to forever be the way I am right now. God is the only way to have true and lasting freedom from my own sinful nature. It is through Christ's blood that I have freedom, and lasting joy. I am looking forward with all my heart to the day when I will stand before my Lord, face to face, and will once and for all be perfected in the image of Him. I no longer want to live my life day to day being obstinant to the fact that I have an enemy who has come only but to kill, steal and destroy my life, my joy and everything good that God can give me. But I have the truth of knowing that if Christ is for me, who can be against me. He will triumph, and it won't be because I am a good person, or do good deeds in my own strength, or somehow have made myself perfect through my own efforts. It will be because day after day, night after night, Christ has held true to the promise He made to me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is going to get me through to heaven if it kills me. I am thankful that He will crucify every bit of flesh in my body to save my soul. I can honestly say that I am learning to count it all joy when I face trials of many kinds.

James 1:2-4 (NKJV): "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NKJV): "For now we seen in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face."

Phillipians 3:7-9 (NKJV): "But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith;"

I hope that this blog post reminds you that wherever you find yourself in life today, if God is with you and for you, nothing and no one can be against you. Once we have accepted Christ for our salvation, through His righteous blood sacrifice, then we are no longer righteous in ourselves, believing ourselves to be "good people," but we trust completely in him to finish the work He started when He created us, drew us to Himself, and gave us salvation through His atoning blood. He alone is righteous. Ask Him today to come into your life, your heart, confess you sins to Him, repent, and believe in Jesus' name as the only way to receive salvation, and He will walk beside you all the days of your life. God bless you in Jesus' name with the hearing of His Word, and the accompanying faith that you receive.

Reminded of His Grace,

Sarah

Washed by the Word...What a Sweet Aroma!

Today, it was one of those very practical moments when the Lord illuminated His Word in my heart and showed me an amazing principle. I have the very unglamourous job of being a stay at home mom, living with my parents temporarily, so that means doing laundry daily for six (soon to be more) people. I used to hate doing laundry, but over time, have grown to love the tedious job of washing, drying and folding! Today, as I grabbed a garment out of the dryer, I took a moment to hold it to my face and breathe in the fresh clean scent...it pleased me. Then, this message started building in my heart....I thought of how God says He washes us in the Word to make us pure and clean, and then I thought....after we are washed and purified by His cleansing blood, what a sweet smelling aroma we give off. It is the aroma of Christ to a dying world. It is an aroma of purity, cleanliness, holiness and truth. Oh, how the Father must to love breathe in the freshness of how He has recreated us in Christ's image. The Word also says that our prayers are like incense going up before the throne of God. He showed me all this through a normal day of doing laundry....pretty amazing, God!

As I began to meditate on how God cleanses us, He gave me a few scriptures to share with you all to illustrate this principle:

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NKJV):

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word, that he might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and without blemish."

The thought that came to me is that clothes go through a process of being washed for impurities, stains, etc. then they are dried to make them without wrinkle or blemish. In the process of laundry, the articles of clothing are covered in the water (Word of God) and then they are put into a spin cycle. Have you ever been in a spin cycle when God was washing YOU by His Word? I sure have felt that way. Then...He takes us out of the washer after spinning and throws us into this HOT dryer....and spins us some more! Finally, like the clothes we wash, we are taken out of the dryer, spotless and wrinkle-free and folded to be useful to the people who need us most!

Ezekiel 36:24-26 (NKJV):

"For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all countries, and bring you into your own land. Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Also,

2 Corinthians 7:1-3 (NKJV):

"Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God."

Isaiah 1:18 (NKJV):

"Come now, let us reason together,' says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."

Although there are many scriptures speaking of the cleansing that God performs in our bodies, hearts and souls, this is the last one to mention here:

Hebrews 10:19-23 (NKJV):

"Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

The first thing we must do is submit our lives and hearts to God, confessing that He alone (through the blood of Jesus) can wash away all of our impurities, our sin, and our evil conscience. We must come to Him by faith in His Word, and His promise of salvation from eternal damnation for our sins, and we must SUBMIT to Him putting us through the process of sanctification (purifying us, making us holy). We must allow Him to throw us into the washing machine, and we must perservere, so that one day we come out the dryer spotless, without wrinkle or blemish, and smelling of the sweet aroma of Christ.

This may change the way you perceive doing laundry, forever. May God bless you today with faith upon the hearing of His Word, and may He bring you into acknowledging that you need His free gift of salvation, and the following process of sanctification to become whole and clean in His sight. May God grant you peace with Him today in Jesus' name. Amen.

God bless you!

Sarah

Forgiveness is Freedom in Christ

The past few days of this week, the Lord has really touched my heart in a way that was unexpected and yet incredibly productive...He brought on correction. I know when we hear of correction from the Lord, it makes us sort of cringe because you never quite know how the Lord will bring conviction and correction into your life. The strangest thing about correction is that often, you know there is something wrong in your life, but you can't quite put your finger on it...and then suddenly, that glorious Light shines into a dark place in your life and reveals TRUTH. The truth is that, no matter how much of a "good Christian" you are, there is always an area that God is working on...and He is seeking to deliver you from some bondage of sinful living. The Bible calls this "sanctification." I believe that many people do not come to Christ for fear of this Light shining in on their lives, day and night. I believe that people who have accepted Christ sometimes make a foolish attempt to hide from God's revealing Light and they end up in a dark corner of life somewhere, crying out in pain and suffering that God never intended for them. Well, this is what happened to me, and I feel inclined to share it with you all this morning.

I went to a wonderful sermon this past Sunday which spoke about the attitudes of our hearts toward others. The man of God spoke of how we harbor bitterness, anger and judgmental thoughts towards other which ultimately lead to our own suffering, and the destruction of vital relationships in our lives. As I sat there, I felt as though I wanted to climb out of my chair and leave the building, but I could feel the Presence of God holding me to my seat. It was painful and it was definitely correction. You see, for the last few months (and even longer), I have been hurt by many people in my life. I have been hurt by my parents, family and even my own husband. There has been so much pain surrounding the events of my life, and then the reproaches of infertility, lack of money, and overall shame surrounded my life, my marriage and my family. To say the least, it has been a pretty tough year of walking with the Lord. The problem is the sinful nature in me just keeps trying to take over the place of the Holy Spirit in my life. The enemy loves to tell me that it is ok to think nasty thoughts about people because they have hurt me so much. It is ok to harbor bitterness and anger toward them, and think judgmental thoughts as long as they see the love of Christ emenating through me toward them. Knowing, by the Word of God, that these attitudes are wrong is one thing....changing them is quite another.

I remember one day, over a year ago, when the Lord spoke to me about something very hurtful my husband had done. He presented me with a scenario and then gave me a choice. He said "Sarah, imagine the person that hurt you the most in your life, and then imagine that someone is going to kill that person...and I ask you to take the bullet, and die in their place, thus allowing them to live a longer fuller life...would you do it?"

HMMM....good question Lord.

Then the Lord began to explain his question...He explained to me that I was that person that had hurt Him so deeply and that He was given this choice of dying in my place, thus allowing me to live a longer, fuller live in Him. He said that I should forgive others as He has forgiven me. He validated that my husband had indeed made mistakes and hurt me deeply, along with my friends, family and even strangers. Just as all have hurt Him through the deep wounds of committing sin in their lives. He made the concept of forgiveness very tangible and applicable to my everyday life.

Well, that day, I decided that I was going to be a forgiving person and I asked God to please help me to forgive all those who have hurt me in the past by the power of the Holy Spirit. For months after, I found myself forgiving people supernaturally, even though circumstances seem to increase in painfulness and the forgiveness got harder to maintain...but by God's grace, I kept going. My relationships with others started to experience new life, new growth and deeper intensity. Even though the circumstances were bad, I could see God working in my life and in the lives of those around me. It was glorious.

Which brings me full circle to where I stood this past Sunday in church. Somehow, over time, I got comfortable in being able to forgive people in my own strength. I began to think, this is always going to be this easy, and I am so strong in the Lord that I will not struggle with this anymore. WRONG!!! The next thing I knew, my husband had made another decision with which I did not agree, and it turned out changing our whole quality of life and circumstances, and in the blink of an eye, I found myself in a terrible place of bitterness, anger and unforgiveness. I wandered away from reading the Word of God, I didn't pray as much as I used to, and I just tried to hide in my sin and throw a "pity party" for myself. The enemy's voice crept back in and continually encouraged me that I was right in how I felt because I had been wronged. That brutal nature of unforgiveness began to permeate every area of my life. Although things looked alright for me spiritually, I was tormented inside with the thought that I didn't want to feel this way anymore, but I didn't know how to change. Every time I tried to forgive in my own strength, I just fell deeper into the pit. I told my husband I was sorry for my thoughts, confessed them, and said I forgave him, but I couldn't shake the unforgiveness.

So this past Sunday, God began to heal me and free me from this bondage I had been under before. I was becoming entangled again in the yoke of slavery, but my God is good, and came to my rescue! He brought correction that showed me that only He was able to set me free. He spoke through the darkness and told me that I just needed to confess to Him that I was unable to redeem myself and free myself from this bondage of sin, and that He would rescue me, YET AGAIN! But doing that was harder than I imagined. I still wanted Him to speak to my husband about how badly he had hurt me, and God surprised me with his answer. I wrote a friend asking for prayer for my husband, and she responded with a word from the Lord FOR ME. It was telling me that God was speaking to my husband, but it was ME that needed to stop getting in the way of the progress God was making in his life. It instantly reduced me to tears. God showed me that He had already stepped in to make necessary changes in my husband, and I had become a stumbling block in the way of His work. Having had such favor of God in my life the past year, and His great approval, it was incredibly hard to realize that I had gone so far into my sinful thinking that I was now causing problems to His great work. Thankfully, his plans and purposes do not depend on my faithfulness, but on His power. As I cried, I confessed the thoughts and attitudes I had toward Jeff, and with amazing grace, he said to me "It's ok, I know you don't mean to be mean and wicked" and just like that, he forgave me and comforted me...the one who was now hurting him.

This whole ordeal has brought me closer to my husband, closer to my family, and closer to God. Was it good that I wandered from the truth? NO. Was it amazing and a powerful testimony of God's intent and power to redeem me...YES. I learned a huge lesson through all this...God intends for us to remain in the freedom to which we are called in Him. Even when we stumble, He is there to correct us in LOVE, and bring us back to the truth which ultimately SETS US FREE! He finished off this correction and teaching with this one scripture:

Luke 6:36-38 (NKJV):

"Therefore, be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given unto you: good measure, pressed down, shaken down, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."

What a word of encouragement this morning to all those who struggle, as I have, with judgment, condemnation and unforgiveness of others. May God bless you and keep you, as He constantly works to ensure your freedom in Him. For the Word of God says:

John 8:35-36 (NKJV):

"And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed."

God bless you with faith upon hearing His Word, and grant you the power to forgive and give unto others as you would hope to receive from the Father....that is truly the "golden rule."

Love you all!

In Christ's love and freedom,

Sarah